Today would have been my older sister Coralie's 30th birthday if she hadn'tl eft us at the age of 6 following a long battle with brutal kidney cancer, which spread to her lungs. despite chemotherapy, radiotherapy and surgery which eventually made her a shadow of her former self physically my sister was still a sweet little girl with a wicked giggle. still Coralie. Stupid cancer. I can't help thinking that she should be here - today should have been the start of a big party weekend for her and the family she might have had.. I should have been able to make her a cake. I should have organised a party along with her friends/husband(?) to surprise her with - Logan and Lyra would have made a special card for her with their hand and footprints in bright-coloured paint... I can't help thinking what she would have thought of them and how they would have loved her. Would they have had cousins who were her children? My family should not have had to carry this grief with us for the past 23 1/2 years.
Our experiences shape our lives and our selves. I was so young when this tragedy happened that I am very much marked by it, if she had lived I wonder what I would have been like. I am so happy in my life right now with my children and my wonderful David, would my life have followed a similar path? Would I walk past the man who is my husband in ths life without knowing him because my life had followed a different course? I couldn't wish my life was different now. Inside there will always be a small part of the little girl whose wish when she blew out the candles on her cake every birthday or if she saw a shooting star was "I wish Coralie had not died". Even as a child I knew this was impossible, if you believe in fairies clap your hands.... I desperately wanted there to be some magic that could undo the past. Now her ashes rest n a box in my parents bedroom, they can't really let their little girl go after all of these years. You never get over grief, you just get used to it.
Happy birthday Coralie. I hope and pray that you are happy where you are now. Even if there isn't a heaven and this life is all that we have you will always live and be very much loved in my heart xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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